I know Google Search hated to see me coming in 2020 during the global pandemic. My top three searches were "make pineapple wine at home", "how not to harm your siblings" and "how to take care of myself". The third query came from the realisation that I had been trained to take care of everyone but myself from an early age. This is the case for most of us as women first and women of colour second, whether we are aware of it or not.
From the age of six I was forced into a routine where I woke up early and the first person that I thought of was anybody in the family outside of myself. If this person required a beverage, food or any other act of service, it was my responsibility to ensure that they received what they needed. At no point was I taught that I mattered, that my needs came first, that my well-being was a priority and that I didn't have to do anything that I did not want to do.
Needless to say, this model of existence became highly unsustainable as I grew older and life grew bolder, the more I had more interactions with people from different backgrounds and became increasingly aware of myself and my place in the world. I reached a critical stage of my life where I realised I did so much for everyone around me at the cost of neglecting myself.
I woke up one morning during a very important website development project and realised that I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I had finally unlocked the projects of my dreams and here I was unable to perform to the level I was capable of because... I simply could not. I was too tired to complete my prototype due to sleep deprivation. The sleep deprivation came from my endless and anxious thoughts. My endless and anxious thoughts came from the project itself and many other sources.
This was when my friend recommended that I seek counselling to determine what I needed in order to get back to being my productive self. I had a full medical exam performed to ensure that I wasn't suffering from any physical ailments and then proceeded to begin my counselling therapy in order to assess my mental state. Thus began my path to becoming the Self-Care Queen. I realised that taking care of myself involved more than just one aspect of my being. It involved ensuring that all the parts that made me who I am were intact and functioning at full capacity so I could take on anything required of them.
Here are some prompts to help you get started on your Self-Care adventures:
1. What Do I Need?
I know it seems simple and straightforward. The reality is that most of us actually don't know what we need. We rely on social media, our friends, our families and other external factors to tell us what we need.
I've designed a free worksheet that you can download here which will assist you in identifying what you need based on that particular aspect of yourself. There are of course other tools that you can refer to such as Maslow's hierarchy of needs and the likes.
2. What is required to fulfil my needs?
Once you have identified what your needs are, you will then realise that some of these needs require financial resources, some may require social resources and so on. You now need to determine how you can meet these needs for yourself. Most of us will struggle with this part because we inherently believe that other people are responsible for fulfilling our needs.
If you often find yourself seeking external validation and fulfilment, you may want to consider being part of my upcoming "Get in Loser, We're going to Heal!" group session on Zoom.
3. Does My Environment Allow me to Fulfil my Needs?
One of the key phrases that my counselling therapist said to me during one of our sessions was "you cannot heal in the same environment that broke you". If you are still living with parents who make you feel discouraged, you will never feel encouraged. If you are still living with your abusive partner, you will not feel loved. If you are spending time with friends who are low vibrational and do not share your values, you will not feel authentic. Our environments are a reflection of who we are.
For as long as our environment shows us that we are not worthy, we are not capable or that we are not made for success, then that is what the mind will record and play in your mind over and over. Imagine going for counselling and when you come home you still experience the very same issues that you were speaking about. This will make you feel discouraged with thoughts such as: your situation might never change. That's why it's vital for you to be in a safe and healthy environment in order to take the best care of yourself.
4. How do I know when my needs are met?
When I work with brands as a lifestyle influencer, one of the ways in which I keep track of how our campaign or project is going, is by using what we call KPIs (key performance indicators). By establishing the goal of the campaign and then mapping out how we will achieve it, we can then devise methods to keep track of whether we are in fact achieving that goal. You can apply the same method to your own self care. Once you
- know what your needs are
- what you need to fulfil them and
- created an environment in which you can fulfil them
you will then need to keep track of how you are fulfilling those needs.
My Tik Tok subscribers know that one of my favourite ways to keep check of what is going on in life is through journaling. This creates a record of your experiences, your thoughts, your feelings and any other information that will come in useful in the future. For example, let's say that you want to quit vaping. By recording instances of your craving and what caused it, you can then make an informed decision to not put yourself in that situation again.
Taking care of oneself is an ongoing process, not just an occasion reserved for a Sunday afternoon. It requires commitment, discipline, consistency and accountability. For the time being, I believe you have a good foundation to begin your self-care journey. I'm here if you need any advice or guidance, you can reach out to me on my social media platforms listed below. All the best gorgeous!
1 comment
Congrats on a dope website meisie. Always knew you would. Now watching Caddo.